Doctor Why-me and the Patient of Gloom by Terveen Gill

DOCTOR:                  So…Mr. Kumar. What’s bothering you today?

KUMAR:                    Well…I didn’t get proper parking outside.

DOCTOR:                  Pardon?

KUMAR:                    Oh! And my mother-in-law is visiting.

DOCTOR:                  What are you saying?

KUMAR:                    I know! She’s such a proper pain.

DOCTOR:                  Mr. Kumar, I’m talking about your medical problem.

KUMAR:                    Ohhh! So sorry. I got confused. Well…I feel some pain in my chest. All thanks to that old woman.

DOCTOR:                  Which side?

KUMAR:                    Of course, my wife’s side. That’s why I said Mother-IN-LAW.

DOCTOR:                  Which side is the pain in your chest?

KUMAR:                    Aaahhh!! I’m a proper fool. Left side, please.

DOCTOR:                  Any other symptoms?

KUMAR:                    Well…my eyes water a lot, runny nose. And my right knee pops very often.

DOCTOR:                  What do you mean by pop?

KUMAR:                    You know…pop…pop. Loud sounds. Let me show you.

KUMAR:                    (WALKS TO THE DOOR AND BACK) See…like popcorn popping.

DOCTOR:                  Quite strange…does it hurt?

KUMAR:                    No…it’s just too noisy.

DOCTOR:                  How bad is the discharge?

KUMAR:                    Who told you about that?

DOCTOR:                  What? You did.

KUMAR:                    I did? Have we met before?

DOCTOR:                  I’m quite sure we haven’t.

KUMAR:                    Then did Timmy tell you?

DOCTOR:                  Who’s Timmy?

KUMAR:                    Well…this is proper madness. Timmy is the one who got discharged.

DOCTOR:                  But you’re the one with a runny nose.

KUMAR:                    Oh my! What does that have to do with Timmy’s discharge from the army?

DOCTOR:                  Mr. Kumar! I was talking about your nasal discharge. The runny nose…

KUMAR:                    (SLAPS OWN FOREHEAD) Oh God!! You must think I’m proper crazy.

DOCTOR:                  (UNDERBREATH) You have no idea…

KUMAR:                    Yes, the runny nose is very bad. Giving me trouble.

DOCTOR:                  Alright…lie down. Just a quick check up.

KUMAR:                    (LIES DOWN) But I must tell you, I come from a family of strong horses.

DOCTOR:                  (CHUCKLES) Oh…you mean as healthy as horses.

KUMAR:                    No…they were really horses. I was brought up in a stable.

DOCTOR:                  You’re kidding!

KUMAR:                    (SHAKING HEAD) My father worked as a stable boy. Since my mother died when I was very young, I spent all my time in the stables.

DOCTOR:                  That’s fascinating!

KUMAR:                    (LAUGHING) I even thought that two horses were my real brothers. But then my father beat me proper, and I came to my senses.

DOCTOR:                  Ok, take a deep breath now.

KUMAR:                    Oh, don’t worry, I’m fine. I got many beatings. I was used to it.

DOCTOR:                  I’m checking your heartbeat, Mr. Kumar. Take some deep breaths.

KUMAR:                    Ah, yes. Of course.

DOCTOR:                  (CHECKING HEARTBEAT) Your heart sounds fine, and your chest is clear. Let me take a look at your tummy.

KUMAR:                    I must tell you, I am a bit ticklish.

DOCTOR:                  It’s just…

KUMAR:                    (UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER). Oh no! Please Stop! Stop!

DOCTOR:                  I haven’t even touched you!

KUMAR:                    Sorry…I get very nervous. Ok, go ahead.

DOCTOR:                  (TOUCHES SLIGHTLY) You won’t…


DOCTOR:                  Mr. Kumar!!! Are you alright?!!

KUMAR:                    (GROANING SOUND) Ohhhhh…my…knee…

DOCTOR:                  (BENDS DOWN) Let me help you up…easy now…

KUMAR:                    This is proper embarrassing…I don’t know what happened…

DOCTOR:                  (SUPPORTING KUMAR ON HIS SHOULDER) Sit down here…slowly…

KUMAR:                    (WINCES IN PAIN) My knee, Doctor. It hurts!

DOCTOR:                  (EXAMINES THE KNEE) It seems alright to me. A minor scrape. Take a few steps.

KUMAR:                    (SHOCKED) What if my knee breaks?

DOCTOR:                  Come, come now…that’s impossible. Stand up. (HELPS KUMAR STAND UP)

KUMAR:                    Ok…I can do this. Small steps…one…two…three…(BEGINS TO WALK) Ow! No…Ow! Better…Ow! I’m fine. Yes…no pain.

DOCTOR:                  See…I told you…


DOCTOR:                 What’s wrong with you?

KUMAR:                    It’s gone! I can’t hear it anymore.

DOCTOR:                  Trouble with your ears now? Can you hear me?

KUMAR:                    Oh, Doctor! My ears are fine. But the popping has stopped. No more pop, pop, pop!

DOCTOR:                  (RELIEVED) There you go, Mr. Kumar. Nothing could be better than that.

KUMAR:                    (STOPS IN HIS TRACKS. HAS A SHOCKED EXPRESSION) Are you proper joking with me? I need the popping.

DOCTOR:                  Why on earth, would you need that annoying sound?

KUMAR:                    (EMOTIONAL VOICE) It reminded me of Johnny. Oh, sweet, Johnny!

DOCTOR:                  (CONFUSED) The one who was discharged?

KUMAR:                    You’ve got a terrible memory for a doctor. I’m talking about Johnny, NOT Timmy.

DOCTOR:                  (UNDERBREATH) God forgive me for asking this… (LOUDLY) But who’s Johnny?

KUMAR:                    My dear brother. (CHOKED UP) He’s no more now.

DOCTOR:                  Sorry to hear that…was he sick?

KUMAR:                    Yes, very. Poor Johnny, suffered a lot. My father finally shot him.

DOCTOR:                  (JUMPING TO HIS FEET) What!!!

KUMAR:                    Well…it was the proper thing to do.

DOCTOR:                  How could your father kill your brother? That’s terrible!

KUMAR:                    It was better than letting the poor chap die a painful death.  Johnny didn’t know what hit him. Bang! Bang! All done.

DOCTOR:                  Are you out of your mind! Murder is murder!

KUMAR:                    Tell that to Johnny. The poor fellow couldn’t even swat the flies with his tail anymore.

DOCTOR:                  Oh Lord! Are you talking about an animal?

KUMAR:                    He was more than an animal. (ABOUT TO CRY). That horse was my best friend!

DOCTOR:                  (GETTING UP FROM HIS SEAT) Mr. Kumar, in my opinion, you should see a Neurologist. I really can’t help you.

KUMAR:                    But, you are a proper doctor. Sally told me.

DOCTOR:                  Okkk…I won’t even ask who that is. (PAUSE) Hmm…Dr. Samuel would be the right choice for you. I’ll give you his number. (LOOKING AT HIS DIARY)

KUMAR:                    But what about the pain in my chest? What if I have a heart attack?

DOCTOR:                  I’m pretty sure it’s not your heart. Probably just flatulence.

KUMAR:                    (WIDE-EYED) Come again…

DOCTOR:                  I said…just some flatulence.

KUMAR:                    Ohhhhh! Krishna! Krishna! Why didn’t I just die before hearing this?

DOCTOR:                  No reason to get so upset. Lots of people have it. It won’t kill you.

KUMAR:                    How dare you say that! Where do you think Timmy came from? And also Terry?

DOCTOR:                  (GROANS LOUDLY) Not again!! (GRIPS OWN HEAD)

KUMAR:                    Would my wife have put up with it? My mother-in-law would’ve ridiculed me to death by now. Crazy old bat!

DOCTOR:                  Mr. Kumar, I really don’t have time for this…

KUMAR:                    Ohhhhhh…so convenient. First you say, I have a limp noodle, and now you have no time.

DOCTOR:                  (SHOCKED) When did I say that? Are you out of your mind!

KUMAR:                    I heard you proper. You just said, fuh-lachu-lance.

DOCTOR:                  (PAINFUL AND FED UP REACTION) (LOUD VOICE) I said flatulence NOT impotence! Flatulence means gas! You’re having gas trouble!

KUMAR:                    (SHRILL DRY LAUGH) Oh my! What a proper mess. You know what…Kelly would’ve laughed at this.

DOCTOR:                  Mr. Kumar…please just shoot me. (PUTS HEAD DOWN ON TABLE)

KUMAR:                    (HESITATING) Are you sure? I have a very bad aim…


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