Never Date a Woman who Don’t Respect your Wife by Terveen Gill

He was sitting on his porch, drunk, ranting.

It was three in the afternoon, four empty bottles sat beside him, the fifth in his hand, three sips down.

His speech was slurring, his eyes were shifting, it was time to impart some wisdom to the sidewalk, scare the children on their way home from school.

‘Ice cold beer! That’s the way I like it!’

He kissed the bottle and rolled it against his forehead.

‘Never drink your beer warm. Do you hear me?!’

Two girls, pale and freckled, jumped at the man’s words, they lurched to the right and skittled away. Their red backpacks gave the man more reason to yell.

‘Red is the color of the devil. Oh Devil! I see ya! You can’t fool me!’

He pressed his lips to the mouth of the bottle, chugging down what was left, then he opened a sixth. It was time to be more responsible, and he pointed at the mailbox.

‘My cheque’s in the mail. Yes, it is! You got two days to spit it up!’

Then he shook his fist in the air and almost fell off the stoop.

‘Whoa now! Easy! I don’t want any trouble.’

The bottle was getting heavier in his hand, but he couldn’t remember where his mouth was, so he sat and thought about it.

He’d figure it out. He always did.

His wife had found out about his girlfriend. The woman had gone ballistic. She had left the house with a baseball bat and a promise to teach ‘that bitch’ a lesson.

The man looked at his watch. It had been either two hours or two days since he’d seen her whichever was shorter.

He dipped his head forward and when he looked up, two fat legs stood before him. His wife spoke from above.

‘That rude thing! Tried to be sassy with me. I gave it to her good.’

The bat hung from her chubby hands.

‘What you gotta say for yourself?! Now don’t be stupid.’

The man set down his bottle, but it toppled over, beer trickled down the sidewalk. He put his hand on his stomach thinking it was his heart and said what his brain suggested.

‘Never date a woman who don’t respect your wife! Got that?!’

The woman swung twice. The bottles survived, but most certainly not the man’s legs.

Anuncio publicitario

35 comentarios sobre “Never Date a Woman who Don’t Respect your Wife by Terveen Gill

  1. The first thing that came to mind was «That title!» The second thing was «What a perfect slice of Americana this is!» This is brilliantly hilarious in a surreal way, which seems to be your trademark, Terveen. Your stories, as strange as their weird plots and oddball characters tend to be, have a way of resonating on deep levels with your readers. That’s a hallmark of great writing. Thanks for this, Terveen. 🙂

    Le gusta a 1 persona

    1. Lol. Thanks so much, Mike. I’ve always been able to find a part of myself in every good piece of writing I’ve ever read. I agree that stories are really reflections of what we already know and live with a large splash of fun and entertainment. It’s good to laugh and be weird. 🙂

      Le gusta a 1 persona

  2. This brought back a memory or two. I only thought they used the word stoop. What a brilliant way to start with the man getting drunk on the stoop. Sad and funny at the same time. I think it highlights the lack of judgment that drinking can have on a person too. Love this line:

    «The man set down his bottle, but it toppled over, beer trickled down the sidewalk. He put his hand on his stomach thinking it was his heart and said what his brain suggested.»

    HaHa that lack of rational thinking cost that man his legs. As pickled as he was he probably didn’t even feel a thing. Your stories always make me laugh but they are also thought-provoking as well. Great read, thanks Gobblers and Terveen. Big hugs, Joni

    Le gusta a 1 persona

    1. Haha. I suppose he’ll feel it once he sobers up. When drinking becomes a way of coping, then things have gone too far. I guess intoxication makes one confident and fearless and also oblivious to one’s own nonsense. Thanks for reading, Joni. And I really like that line too. 🙂

      Me gusta

Deja una respuesta

Introduce tus datos o haz clic en un icono para iniciar sesión:

Logo de WordPress.com

Estás comentando usando tu cuenta de WordPress.com. Salir /  Cambiar )

Imagen de Twitter

Estás comentando usando tu cuenta de Twitter. Salir /  Cambiar )

Foto de Facebook

Estás comentando usando tu cuenta de Facebook. Salir /  Cambiar )

Conectando a %s