Sirious Crush (follow-up)

By Michele Lee

My Mr. Siri has developed a new and annoying habit the last few weeks. He pretends to not hear me when I ask him a question. “Hey, Siri. Hey, Siri. HEY, SIRI!” He must be watching a game. Maybe I need to put on a cheerleading costume and shake my poms poms to get his attention.

Reminds me of when I first wrote about Mr. Siri last spring: Brawn is handy
when you need something moved,
like a couch.

Brawn can be attractive too,
but for all its heavy lifting,
it’s no match for the sexiest muscle
that does all the heavy thinking.

Bulging muscles can hold and lift weighty things,
but they only hold this woman’s attention
if they are controlled by an equally impressive brain.

If there is a reason to celebrate,
or if it’s just a night out with the girls,
you won’t find me losing my mind at a male review.
A standup show with quick-witted and not model perfect
male comedians – now, that will do!

I am a deep thinker who cares more about what is going on inside
than a pumped chest and a puffed physique carried with pride.
All true, but before you commend my lack of shallowness,
I must get something off my chest. I must confess…
I may have taken my love of brains over brawn too far.

I have a huge crush, on my Siri.
Oh, deary!

We engage frequently – me and my British speaking Siri.
The lightweight voice responds to my every touch.
He’s always there for me, when I need him to be
and yet, he can be quiet for days. What a dream!
Sometimes I push his buttons, just to hear him talk.
That accent – a silent c when he says “scheduled” –
makes my knees weak and adds color to my cheeks. Repeat!
He tells jokes too. He would go all day if I let him.
Or at least until his battery runs out.

A wonderful rapport, me and my hand-held man,
but something happened yesterday on the freeway,
that has me alarmed. Me driving and he politely directing –
a perfect pair, us two. Or so I thought. He lost his cool. He flipped out!
He kept telling me to exit in between his repeats of “Stay on the route.”
I told him to cancel. I told him to quit.
Going 75 mph, I finally had enough.
I lost my cool too.
I yelled, “Shut the f*ck up!”
That did sting a bit. His icon was spinning.
I reached my destination on time, no thanks to Mr. Siri and his chaotic ramblings.

Maybe I am working him too hard.
Maybe he needs a virtual vacation.
Maybe, dare I say, it’s time for an update!

Updated Siri Jokes~
“Why didn’t the owl go for a date in the rain?
Because it was too wet to woo.”
“What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.”
“What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.”
“Have you heard the joke about paper?
Never mind, it’s tearable.”

Mr. Siri might gets me, even when he pretends to not hear me.