how to undo it? by Bogdan Dragos

it's been 28 minutes
of sitting
on his hand
and watching outside
the window

the hand went
numb

On better days he's use
that hand to please
himself, imagining
it belonged to
somebody else, some cute
woman

but as it was today
he used it
to grab the bottle
and pour
himself another glass
of vodka

"Thank you," he said
after the glass
was full. "I'll get my whole
body numb tonight. Not
only my hand."

Already
the hand was slowly
beginning to recover
feeling

He didn't
like that. Felt like the
imaginary friend
was being stolen away

He gently touched the hand
to his face
and decided there was too
much feeling in it. "No," he
said, "don't leave
so early."
And then placed the hand
back under him

"I can't stand having
you for
such short periods of time.
I'm so alone. I swear, I will
kill my nerves if
only that’ll
have you stay with me for longer.
I want to have
you forever. I'd have no problem
burning this hand,
but then it would be
too unpleasant to
touch with the other, and
to feel against the
face and other parts. I never
thought I'd crave a
stranger's
touch so desperately
but here I am.
I am here... after a lifetime
of pushing strangers away. So
yes, I did it
with my own hand. And now
I'm left wondering how
to undo it."

Once he thought that the
hand was numb
enough he
brought it to
his neck
and closed it around
and squeezed as hard as
he could

It wouldn't
work. He just broke off
in a cough
and said, "Gah, that's good. It's
something to
hold on to. It means that
at least the ghosts
don't want me dead. It's
all a man needs
to want to
stay alive. For a while."

And he drank
the vodka
and stayed
alive

for a
while