TAKEN HOSTAGE AGAIN by Terveen Gill

Blog Terveen

Thirty years of life and I’ve been taken hostage – twice.

The first time, my mind was the culprit. The doctor said it was paranoia. I didn’t leave my home, convinced someone (or something) might murder me. Or even worse…

I spoke to no one. But the voices came for me. The shadows, the furniture, the walls, doors and windows, the conniving wind. They sang to me, repeating my name, promising to ruin me.

Even family became my enemy. I trusted no one, not even the pale woman in the mirror. Her bloodshot eyes haunted me. I felt no hunger or thirst. My eyes refused sleep, my body shriveled, a soul sucked into an unsparing black hole.

They came for me. I went kicking, spitting, and screaming. White walls, white ceiling, windowless room. One tiny bed and a horribly sick woman. The pipes fed me liquids and a concoction of medicines. Night, day, night again, so much time passed in a blur.

My mind fought hard before surrendering its psychotic behavior. I was released from its madness. Free to go, returning to the woman I had once known. No more voices, gone were the threats.

I wish I could say I was my biggest enemy. But humans hunt each other. They are vicious and also the easiest prey.

I’m not alone. The room is filled with other people. They cry and pray. Where is hope when you need it? I wish they knew hope is an overrated commodity. It’s an illusion, a worthless feel-good factor.

I’m a hostage again. My mind has taken over. But these people don’t know it. They believe they’re the victims. Just because I point a gun at them. I don’t want to do this.

The voices forced me. I stopped taking my medicines a month ago.

31 Comentarios Agrega el tuyo

  1. Chilling, and what a great spin in the end 🙂

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    1. Terveen Gill dice:

      Thank you Patricia.
      Can’t resist the twist.
      Tried a somersault at the end. Glad it worked. 🙂

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  2. johnlmalone dice:

    a powerful piece of paranoia ; love, love, love ‘the conniving wind’ 🙂

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    1. Terveen Gill dice:

      Thanks a lot, John. 🙂
      The wind does say so much.
      Just have to listen.

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  3. Interesting turn at the end.

    ‘hope is an overrated commodity. It’s an illusion, a worthless feel-good factor’ I’ve never thought about it like this , but you’re right…….

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    1. Terveen Gill dice:

      I think at the lowest of times, it does seem that way, Don.
      I’ve felt it too.
      Hope is really taking action to overcome difficulties and problems when there is no other way.
      It’s like a default setting that you either have or don’t.
      And you’re not really sure what it even does. 🙂

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      1. A bit like people relying on a religious faith to solve their problems. A touchy ground this is……

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      2. Yes, if nothing else is working – rely on hope. Maybe too cutting…..

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  4. johnlmalone dice:

    I have to disagree here, Don: I’ve had a chapbook published called ‘Hope is the Helium’, a 24 page booklet of poems all promoting Hope. I believe very strongly in it so much so That I have come back from the brink of, shall we say ‘desolation’ because of Hope; you rob people of Hope, you rob them of their will to live —-

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    1. Terveen Gill dice:

      That’s a positive outlook, John.
      Hope has kept many alive and away from total destruction.
      It’s a ‘never say die’ attitude.

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      1. johnlmalone dice:

        thanks Terveen; I have come back from ‘the brink’; I know what I’m talking about but I also concede Don’s view has its adherents too —

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  5. didn’t work for me. too obvious. if hope ties us to a future imagined or otherwise you gotta really really threaten it and seriously so… hostages are secondary victims and their value to the hostage taker is in relation to the primary victim…what you’ve written ,while engagingly said, isn’t nuanced enough… the pursuit of self knowing and of treachery past, of the uncanny familiarity of the particular caught in the eye or sleight of mouth of a stranger now held captured yet already tortured by themselves in the eye of the taker who had themselves been taken, the familiarity of unfamiliarity and the cannyness of strangers, both are captures in captivity…. to those who know, of course….

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    1. Terveen Gill dice:

      Yes, I can see your perspective. It is valid. There is no negation of the fact that the hostages are the victims. But here, we are seeing the scene from the viewpoint of a troubled mind and its utter desperation. In suffering, each individual is alone. And no one understands the pain and grief of another. Here, the woman with the gun believes herself to be a victim as she dissociates from her dark, uncontrollable side. And yes, I do harbor the firm belief that most of humankind sustains itself upon the belief that the strong rule the weak. A game of hunter and prey but with varied degrees. And the woman is both.
      Thank you so much for your thoughts. I appreciate them. They gave me much to think about. 🙂

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      1. get kinda get that but I was reacting more as an insider ie I have lived and breathed psychosis and disturbance for decades as a former manager in the High Security Psychiatric Estate and also as a supervisor of Ultra High Risk Offenders… it is this that makes the story line cliché… for example, the psychology of hostage taking by women has a higher risk of death than if by a man… the primary victim being patriarchy and misogyny and in most cases high level tranquilizer use is for the ease of managing behaviour ie sedation with little or no proven therapeutic gain… check out the Stockholm Syndrome and twist it about… check out the story of Bella (I forget the authors name) but the opening line is Bella has had enough… the story about her killing spree of men who dares to take advantage her sexuality when all she wanted was to buy herself a coffee and be left in piece… I did, actually, enjoy the read but it also prodded me so I am prodding you… I wonder
        what Bella would do?… it’s far from cold water and just maybe it’s just too damn hot to even make a comment… 😵

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      2. Terveen Gill dice:

        I am utterly impressed by your elaboration. And I knew there was much more depth to your previous analysis. It must have been such a harrowing job to be in perpetual contact with psychiatric patients. Yes, I also think that medication is simply sedation of the mind and that it really doesn’t change much of its condition.
        I will definitely check out Bella. I am intrigued by your suggestion. And thank you so much for such a wonderful comment. I look forward to more comments from you on different articles and stories. Whenever you may get the time. 🙂

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      3. he patients were on the whole great to be around… the staff though, well that’s an entirely other story… I was ‘sent in’ to work in 2of3 of the ‘special hospitals’ after Government Inquiries into patients abuse. (see the Boynton Inquiry for the actual record and Erving Goffman Asylum for social psychology, including his work called Interaction Rituals. For law stuff see Prof Keith Rix, he and I worked together so if you want an introduction let me know, he is the UKs leading authority in psychiatric law and good psychiatrist too) More interesting than this though is your chance to play about with the whole discussion. Some like Deleuze and Tsaz, understand schizophrenia as an inevitability arísíng from the contradictions of capitalism, Kristeva would say patriarchy too, and here’s the interesting bit… this is premised not on the reductionist biology of neuroscience but on the balance law on thermodynamics ie entropy and emergence… it’s more Shyamalam(sp) and Split or the movie Under the Skin which is… well, you decide… and for a head bender on Complexity have a go at Complex Society:In the Middle of the Middle World by Bojan Radej and Mojca Golobic…. and lastly, check out Seroquel the anti psychotic and AstraZenica use of it in the US and Europe… a pal of mine Prof Karl Claxton would delight in advising on the pharmaceutical industry should you wish, he’s described as the most dangerous man big pharma has yet to face and lastly lastly for a writing buddy on the darker twisty stuff go to Liz Riffle… she is one of my bestest friends… I can put you in touch with Karl and you can get to Liz on LinkedIn…. my sincere apologies for this deluge but…. not really sorry either if you get the drift… you are a very good writer so write it differently and make a political and social difference to the plight of women caught up in a system that is long due to change…

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      4. Terveen Gill dice:

        Thank you for this. I will take my time and go through each of the references you have mentioned. I am very passionate about this subject, as I have personally experienced such sadness and dilemma in my life. It really is a twisted game and no one can be trusted. I would say least the pharma companies and then the doctors.
        Your words have motivated me to dig deeper and find out more.
        I will be in touch with you when I need more information. Thank you for the offer.

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      5. for psychology of phenomenology see Laura Doyle Bodies of Resistance and for linguistics Julia Kristeva Powers of Horror…a new feminist genre in the crafting, maybe?…

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      6. Terveen Gill dice:

        Thank you so much. I will definitely check them out. 🙂

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  6. The mind definitly traps you sometimes with its paranoia. Then again, we have the humans with bitter traits. Good story, Terveen. Makes one think.

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    1. Terveen Gill dice:

      Thank you so much, Shobana. 🙂
      It was tough to express in only 300 words, but hopefully could manage to get a broad view across.

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      1. Terveen Gill dice:

        Thanks Shobana. 🙂

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  7. Lesson learnt. Mental health is as important as physical health. This felt like watching a short movie. Very good conclusion Terveen. As usual, a very good story.

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    1. Terveen Gill dice:

      Thanks so much, Vignesh. 🙂
      Mental health is a sensitive yet very unexplored sphere. It’s a lonely battle.
      For those who suffer from it and for those around them.

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      1. True that. Welcome 🙂

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  8. Nick Pipitone dice:

    Great story, Terveen, and a nice twist. 👍 I know if I don’t take my medicine, I’m liable to do some crazy stuff too! 🤪

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    1. Terveen Gill dice:

      Thanks for sharing this, Nick.
      Every individual must keep themselves in the best working condition possible.
      Sometimes, it’s just hit and trial.
      But have to keep moving.

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      1. Nick Pipitone dice:

        Indeed! I don’t mind making fun of myself every so often though. Best not to take oneself too seriously 😀

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      2. Terveen Gill dice:

        That’s a great attitude. And a weight off of one’s already drooping shoulders. 🙂

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